Engaged or Not, that is the question???

I don't know if many of you have seen the Sex and the City movie but in one scene Carrie and Bigg are in the kitchen after they have moved into their beautiful home (apartment). And Carrie is saying how they have a beautiful home and they're building a life together but if things were to go wrong she would have no legal rights to anything that they would acquire together. So they made a grown up decision to get married. It was very unconventional the way they got engaged. He didn't get on one knee with a ring and ask her to be his wife forever. She brought up marriage and he said he wanted to be with her forever so they decided they would get married. I bring this up to say that something similar happened to me 2 days ago. I told "Bigg" that I wanna marry him. I didn't say when or anything specific I just made the statement. I was fully prepared to be ignored or let down easy. But I was not prepared for his response of, "When?" Thinking that this was a joke I said on my next visit, which will be in December. Now at this point I expected the conversation to turn into a laughing fit at how ridiculous we were being but to my surprise he wanted to know the details of our wedding. I didn't have any details because I hadn't thought about what I would want my wedding to be like since high school. So I proposed that we both take time out to think of what we wanted so we could make whatever we wanted happen. Very unconventional, like Bigg and Carrie. We are very unconventional and always have been. So I wasn't surprised at how this whole "engagement" came about but I was surprised at the timing. We have been broken up since April and have barely spoken since then but we managed to communicate daily. Odd. Unconventional. Dysfunctional. Yes all of the above. We haven't dated for 10 years but it feels like more than the actual year and a half or more that we did date.

In my mind this is all a bad joke. I don't know why, call me paranoid or call it my defense mechanism to not getting hurt by the same person (and the same issue), but I don't think that this "engagement" wasn't 100% thought out. I'm not saying that to say that he doesn't want to marry me but I am saying that he's not ready for that level of commitment. I wouldn't have to worry about being cheated on but the level of him being able to offer himself emotionally (fully) to share a life with me is something in this present moment, he and I both know he can't do. But what am I to do? Here I am, knowing that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my days with. I know that there are other guys out here that I can live with but he's the one I don't want to live without. I know I could be dating and I try to but something stops those guys from getting to me...HIM! He's everywhere in my life, not physically present, but PRESENT in my thoughts, my heart, not always first on my mind when I wake but always the last when I lay down to attempt sleep. Present in the sense that thus far, since the day I met him, I have never been able to sleep in the same bed with another guy. Whether he and I were dating or not. No pictures up of him in my room but is presence is so very clear. What's a girl in love with a guy who's not ready for what she's wants to do????

Since the marriage conversation he invited me to Disney Land for his little sister's birthday weekend and is currently making plans to come visit me. It's like we picked up where we left off when we broke up. Trying to go on vacations together and finally coming to visit me. Everyday it's something new that he's talking about...What's a girl to do?